Some people say you should never talk about someone behind their back. It's gossiping. I disagree. I think that there are times when talking about someone behind their back is quite healthy.
I'm not talking about gossiping and telling stories. That is a different thing. Have you ever had it where someone does something that irritates you and you don't say anything... until one day you lose it and go postal on their ass? That may have been avoided if only you spoke about it to someone.
As with most people, I have a number of friends and a couple of really good friends. I have found it therapeutic when my one friend does something annoying, to tell another friend. And not in a way to break them down maliciously, just in a way of saying, "I don't get it. It doesn't compute."
As far as I'm concerned, it's cool as long as it's not attacking the person but the behaviour that's irritating you. I honestly believe that, when it comes to my close friends, my friendships are as good as they are because I give myself permission to blow off steam in this way.
If you're reading this with raised eyebrows, you can get off your high horse. I know everyone does this or has done it. Those who take the option to say nothing, "cause it's wrong" (highly sarcastic tone intended), and get that girly warm feeling all over cause now they think they such a good person, I've got news: They're brewing over it on the inside and having that same conversation they would be having with someone else, they're just having it with themselves. The difference being, it's still bottled up and staying inside.
Most people have a sense of justice and a sense of how their world should be and when something strongly contradicts that, the brain will oppose it and that process is what builds up steam until you explode.
Recently a friend of mine did something which affected me. It was something he was entitled to do, but to me the decision didn't make the slightest bit of sense, and it was, from my perspective, a dumb decision, no two ways about it. It bothered me for days.
But the next time I saw him, you know what I did? I shook his hand and we chatted like nothing had happened, despite the fact that his decision cost me a great opportunity. I didn't have any ill feelings anymore. And I attribute that 100% to the fact that I allowed myself the guilt-free pleasure of criticising his thought-process to someone else.
Two suggestions for doing this kind of thing ethically...
1) Give them a chance to defend themselves.
Years ago I had a gripe with someone being inconsiderate and I told my grandmother (who has had a huge influence on my life) about it. The first question she asked me was: "Have you spoken to them about it?"
I felt like a real toss when I had to admit, "Nope." and then attempted a lame justification for why I shouldn't have had to cause "it's just common sense."
2) Don't attack the person. Target their behaviour or action.
Do you disagree? Tell me why.
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